Perspective

As I am steadily approaching 33 weeks, 10 weeks after we were told to expect to deliver within a week, I have been increasingly grateful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon us. Now don't get me wrong, I have been grateful and thankful to God all along this journey, but lately things have really been put into perspective for me. Chaplain June was here visiting yesterday, and she asked me what thoughts have been consuming my time here. Honestly, I have tried to stay busy with projects and tasks so that I don't dwell on any one topic too long. Though lately, I have been thinking an awful lot on how blessed we are to be here and wondering why we have been so blessed when others have had such different outcomes. In the time I have been here I know of 4 little ones born at 23 weeks, and have all since gone home to Jesus. I don't know details, except on one whose carepage I followed. All I know is they were born and then they passed on. I am sure they fought hard, all of our little bitties do. I am sure their parents wanted them as badly as we want these boys, I am sure their mommas did everthing they could to keep their babies from coming so early just as I did, and I am sure that they prayed just as hard for their little ones to be ok just as we had and continue to do. It leaves me wondering why are we here, why are we doing so good when these little ones had to be born so early and have left their parents grieving. Chaplain June said what I already know to be true, that we cannot question God's plan but only trust that it is a perfect plan. I myself have told numerous families and patients that some good will come out of the tragedy they are currently facing. I have witnessed that in my own life through the struggles we faced with infertility and loss, and the good that has evolved afterwards. But I know for those families who have recently lost their babies, their world is now surrounded by a raw grief that I can't even imagine, one that no one should have to face. As I learned of each of these tiny angels being called home I have had the same thought progression. I first think of how devastated these families must be. Then I realize that this could have been our story, just as easily as it is now someone else's. I feel blessed and so grateful that we didn't deliver 22 week babies that we had to hold in our hands as they drifted on to Heaven, because there was nothing medical technology could have done for them. I feel fortunate and thankful that we didn't have to watch 23-24 week babies struggle and fight to live. I then find myself wondering why have things gone so well for us and these other families have lost so much. If I could have given those moms 2 weeks of my time I would have in a heartbeat, but instead their lives are now headed in a different direction. Like June said, we cannot question God's plan, we can only accept it. I pray for those families that someday they will look back a see a reason for the loss of their precious babies. Once, after one of our miscarriages, I asked one of my nicu nurse friends why we were struggling and so many babies are born to moms who don't want them or do drugs. She told me that maybe God was using our struggles to bring us closer to Him, and maybe the struggles these young or irresponsible mothers will face by bringing a child into this world will be what it takes to bring them closer to God.
Again, thank you all for the prayers you have said for us. Please take time to also say a little prayer for these 3 families who have recently lost their babies.